The Ghost of Christmas Past
Are you ‘Dreaming of a White Christmas, just like the ones you used to know’? I’m not: the ones that I used to know were dire, I can best describe them as ‘gothic’. Family tensions, overindulgence, selfishness, resentment and bad temper were the norm. The draughty old house felt unwelcoming.
My stepfather would retire with a migraine. He hated Christmas as much as I did. As a young man, a Christmas visit to my parental family brought a sensation of undefinable terror, increasing friction in the air. Landing on home turf off the train from London (the buffet car of course), I would be very much on the defensive, and this would remain my default mode throughout the festive period. But happily, there would always be enough to drink: I would bring my supply.
Christmas Eve would be less about expecting the birth of the Messiah than about preventing an all-out fight between me and my siblings. Christmas day itself would be devoted to false bonhomie and selfish pursuits. That was the only way we could avoid the pain of actually communicating with each other. This gruesome scenario was repeated in similar form, for many years. It did not change until I changed.
Christmas Present
Today I don’t drink but I can still be selfish, judgemental, suspicious, inconsiderate, resentful and generally negative. At Christmas more than at any time, I need to turn this around and become generous, understanding, trusting, loving and generally positive. Believe me, it can still take a big effort.
Christmas is an emotional minefield and statistics show that this season of goodwill is also a season of divorce, breakup, breakdown, breaking the furniture and general mayhem. I cannot afford to buy into the negativity that lurks around the festive tree and nor I suspect, can most recovering addicts or alcoholics. Christmas is also a season of relapse.
“Lots of addicts view Christmas time with fear and loathing often for very personal reasons. But it does not have to be so.”
In rehab we are told that every situation is an opportunity — an opportunity to learn and to do things differently.
Here is my list of twelve triggers – emotions and attitudes to watch at Christmas and some AA thoughts and slogans to help cope with them. Perhaps you could check yourself for warning signs and take action where needed. Reflect on these items and decide what choices you will make today.
My Twelve Triggers of Christmas
- Self-pity Stops real communication – try helping others.
- Boredom Work the programme – be proactive.
- Pride For self-acceptance, we need humility.
- Resentment How important is it? Help yourself by forgiving.
- Shame Let go, let God.
- Disappointment Count your blessings.
- Anxiety A day at a time. It will pass.
- Selfishness Give to others of yourself.
- Irresponsibility Is what you want to do what you need to do?
- Dishonesty Total honesty starts with little things.
- Blaming others Don’t compare identity.
- Impatience King Babies need to grow up.
Christmas Future – Finding the Christmas Spirit in Recovery
We feel we should be happy at Christmas, there is almost a pressure to feel joy, but don’t expect a feeling of happiness to come on its own. Joseph Addison, the famous eighteenth-century writer, once said: ‘Three grand essentials to happiness in this life are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for.’ So try these suggestions:
- Plan your days: Christmas can be a period when normal daily structures get suspended and there is more free time. So try to work out in advance how your day might go. Think about doing special things, perhaps helping colleagues who are needy. Plan to set aside time for meditation or prayer.
- Give to others: not just presents (though that can be nice), but give your time, your affection and your talents, without expecting anything in return.
- Work on an attitude of gratitude: what is positive about my life, what can I be grateful for right now? Keeping a Gratitude Diary can help you focus on this and keep away negative thoughts.
- Think about goals for the coming year: what do you want to achieve, what would you like to be doing in a year’s time? Christmas is a time of hope – we can all use a bit of that.
- Get in touch with family and loved ones: not to tell them how well you are doing but to ask how they are. Remember that all relationships seem to become doubly sensitive at this time – proceed with caution.
- View any social gatherings with care, especially if alcohol might be involved. Take prudent steps to ensure that you remain safe – go with an understanding friend or an escape plan if it all gets too much.
- Replace old self-defeating Christmas traditions (like wrapping presents while drinking a bottle of sparkling wine) with new positive traditions (e.g. going for a walk on Christmas morning).
- Keep an emotional balance; check yourself each day and if you’re experiencing mood swings or unreasonable feelings of anger, loneliness, anxiety or depression, then do something about it – talk to someone, try to get to a fellowship meeting.
Changing old patterns of behaviour requires specific effort. I have to remind myself each day that I am an addict and I cannot handle emotions well. I have to do something extra each day to make sure that I don’t slip backwards and I have to ask myself each day: is what I want to do today going to keep me emotionally safe? Emotional security depends on vigilance. Doing nothing is not an option, especially at Christmas.
Words from Charles Dickens
If you start taking positive action this Christmas, you will remember it as the moment when you began to change, as Ebenezer Scrooge did (in the book ‘A Christmas Carol’ by Charles Dickens) – I commend to you the final paragraph of that uplifting and enjoyable work:
‘He (Scrooge) had no further intercourse with Spirits, but lived upon The Total Abstinence Principle ever afterwards; and it was always said of him, that he knew how to keep Christmas well, if any man alive possessed the knowledge. May that be truly said of all of us!’
As an example of changing attitudes, ‘A Christmas Carol’ takes some beating. Why not read it this Christmas? I finish with its final words: ‘And so, as Tiny Tim observed, God bless us, every one!’
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